Life Goes On

The list of things that had been previously unseen and unheard of has grown exponentially since my arrival in Korea. Of course, this is the type of self-discovery and self-development that every traveler yearns for. Although I believe that many of these “personal growth” spurts could occur in the comfort of one’s own mundane routine, being out of one’s element seems to be much more conducive to such things. These “things” which I so generally refer to are usually insignificant to others, but they can make me smile like nothing else...

Every day, Yuni and I encourage the students to eat their entire lunch. I feel kinda guilty doing it, since eating rice, fish, and kimchi every single day is my version of a gastronomical nightmare. I categorize my eaters as one of three animals: sloth, chipmunk, and wolf. The sloths, as you can deduce, are slow but steady. The wolves eat quickly, knowing playtime awaits them. The chipmunks store the food in their cheeks and then ask to go to the washroom. Yeah right, child. Anyway, the other day, one of my sloths was finished abnormally quickly. I told him that in Canada, when you don’t like something, some kids sneak their food to a dog under the table. Not thinking anything had clicked, I was surprised to find out the next day that a new expression had been conceived for anyone who finished quickly: “Ahhhh, you feed the dog?"

Thankfully there are no cows or rabbits; the last thing our class needs is a cud-chewer.

On Wednesday, I met many of my students’ mothers for the first time at what was to be a very brief meet-and-greet. I felt like Daniel going into the lions’ den, but instead of having renowned faith, I was pretty convinced I’d be devoured. See, Maple Bear isn’t an ordinary school. Sure, it’s got an interesting curriculum, it’s a great working environment, and the kids learn a ton, but this place is first and foremost a business. Parents are customers, and are, you know... right. I’d heard stories of how invasive and frustrating the parents could be, so you can imagine my astonishment when the first words that came out of their mouths were: “Oh, you’re beautiful!” Yes, the “u” was drawn out longer than necessary, and there was a flick of the wrist in my general direction. By this time I was a nice shade of pink, but I was also coming to the realization that I wasn’t going to be lion food after all. So what if Gucci, Dior, and Givenchy were staring me in the face? At least the faces were smiling. Forty minutes later, the mothers were still clucking like hens in Korean, not realizing that it wasn’t happy hour. I had run out of words and was just grinning at the parents, getting paranoid that I was showing too much gum. Yuni, who had been translating, glanced at the clock. After gently shooing the mamas out, Yuni told me that they already loved me and that I’d worried for nothing. Love at first sight… who says it doesn’t happen?

On a more serious note, Koreans are sadly obsessed about superficial qualities, especially in someone who they will never really get to know on any intimate level, like me. Is she a good teacher? Well, she looks it. Young people are obsessed with plastic surgery, perms, and whitening face powder. Beauty, like in so many places in the world, is constricted to such a small box that it's suffocating. Anyway, although I can go on at length, suffice it to say that I am aware of the impact my appearance makes on my students, and I will certainly keep in mind what an intelligent girlfriend of mine told me recently: "Promise me that if you were to choose a movie to show the kids, it would be Mulan or Shrek." That, my dear, I can do.

My students’ newest obsession is with my love life. It doesn’t sound like a serious addiction, but I’m beginning to think that some rehabilitation might be necessary. It all started about two and a half weeks ago when I opened up my laptop to show the class something. At the time, I had a photo of Morgan and me as my desktop background. Now, I’m going to clarify that what I was wearing in the picture is actually a mother-approved, Church-friendly, strapless dress. However, from the angle the photo’s taken, I look kinda naked with only a necklace around my neck. Well, the kids all shouted out “SEXY!” and “BIKINI!” That part may be out of order, but needless to say, I was discomfited. “Guys, it’s not a bikini. No seriously, it’s a dress, you just can’t see it...” Well, they still say “Bikini!”, “Sexy!”, or “Franzi-teacher boyfriend” every time I open my laptop- never mind that the photo’s been replaced.

That’s not all.

Yesterday they drew me. In a bikini. With a baby. In a bikini. What? It gets worse? Oh, yeah. I’m getting married to my boyfriend, who’s actually an alien. Good thing they’re not fortunetellers or prophets or else I’d consider myself screwed. A trailer trash mom married to an alien… with a skanky baby in tow? Yikes.

Then there was the comment this afternoon. I was telling the kids that all the bowing I had to do for Chuseok (all this will be explained in due time) hurt my knees and that I was feeling like a grandma. “But Franzi-teacher, first you need to have baby, then grandma.” I know the order, kids, don’t hassle me.

But, the hassling never ceases. On Tuesday, I was drawing a map of Canada on the whiteboard- freehand, and quite accurately, if I do say so myself. The kids walked in and exclaimed: “The map is bro-ken! We must fix the world!” Sure, go fix the world, kids, but don’t hate on Canada. The Arctic is a complex place.

As you can tell, things get really tense in my classroom. And whenever we just can’t take it anymore, the kids burst out in “Ooo-blah-dee! Ooo-blah-da! Life goes oooooooon!”

 I’m not even kidding.