Thai Express

Fasten your seatbelt. Bring your chair into an upright position. And don’t forget to read the safety manual.

Day 1:


It’s 5:15am. Unlike every other morning, when you relish in the warmth of your blanket nest and try to remain submerged in the hazy deliciousness of your dreams, you throw over the covers and hurry around like the Hunchback of Notre-Dame. Something about walking like a cartoon Neanderthal makes us feel warmer.


You and your partner in crime begin the comfy-clothes-for-the-airport hunt. Nothing will ever be comfy enough. Or warm enough. (The less amusing aspect of traveling to tropical countries is their relentless habit of over-conditioning the air. It’s like they forgot that most of the people in the airport are trying to escape their own frigid climates).  Nevertheless, you manage to fool yourself into thinking that you’re set and march out the door with too much luggage in hand. There you are, in the shadowy streets of Anyang, dragging around a 1970’s Samsonite suitcase that is real snazzy, but lacks the endearing ability to “roll with it”.  But, just when your limbs are about to detach themselves from your torso, St-Christopher appears in the form of a taxi driver. At this point, some of you are thinking that the airport is the next stop. Wrong. COME ON, guys. The next stop is the bus station. So, you get out of the toasty taxi (alliteration, what) and head inside a crowded bus stop that is apparently only body-heat-activated. Did I mention you’re only wearing a humongous sweater because dragging along your 3kg winter jacket would have been ludicrous? Yeah.

Anyways, the bus comes and soon enough you are schlepping your things through Incheon Airport. This place didn’t win Best Airport in the World Award for nothing. The place is a traveller’s dream and you’re on your flight before you can say, “Ya know... I’m actually pretty hungry.” (Maybe that’s a personal issue, but something about being around food that is completely overpriced makes me famished).  Next stop: Shanghai, China. Once off the plane in China, you shuffle through security, push the “I was satisfied with this service” button (because you never know if the Customs officer’s life depends on it), and then embark on a never-ending maze you never signed up for. Shanghai, you get Best Maze in the World Award. Too bad you’re not technically a maze. Maybe work on that?

Flying with China Eastern Airlines proves interesting. Every five minutes, a fine mess of static warns you that the airplane is “experiencing  turbulence”. Not the best lullaby to put you to sleep. Thankfully the idea of scuba diving in the Gulf of Thailand has made it virtually impossible to challenge your nonchalant traveller’s attitude.  You were even able to find some joy in picking the diced pork out of your fried rice. So much for the veggie option.

By the time you land at Suvarnabhumi International Airport, you’re a bit pretzel-like in appearance (airplane seats are something that just don’t seem to evolve). You’re also bloated with hunger. Oh, and you’re staring at the longest Customs line you’ve ever seen (and you’ve worked at Customs). Fortunately, you’ve also been befriended by a cheerful Chinese girl who shares stories with you until it’s finally your turn to walk into the comforting heat of Bangkok at dusk.  


After a nerve-racking five minutes, during which your bus to the train station has arrived but your ever-jovial travel companion is still inside taking a gander at the squatty toilets, you both climb aboard the bus (read “van”) with two Germans and a Belgian. After about 45 minutes, you begin to feel your brow knit together. You’ve been on the bus too long. You don’t even need to look at the time to know that it’s been too long. African Time. African Time. You keep telling yourself that Thailand works on African Time. Long, silent stares at the bustling side streets and intermittent laughter curb any feelings of discomfort. Plus, you’ve already started to plan how you will get your charming old Samsonite to roll in case of emergency.


Upon entering the train station, you have a moment of confusion: “Ummm, did I just step into a time portal? Cause I’ve seen this kind of decor before and it was on the RMS Titanic.” But, although the majestic ceiling and balconies initially steal your attention, your eyes are quickly drawn to the worn, green carpet that covers the entire waiting area. Patches are completely discoloured to an earthy–brown shade. On it sit, not chairs, but a wide array of passengers. Old women lie half asleep hugging their bags to their sides. Children play in dirt that is supposedly nourishing plastic trees and silk flowers. Couples lean against whatever will stand their weight, a slight weariness lining their eyes. A rumble in your stomach reminds you that you are not ready to cozy up with your luggage just yet. With your handsome travel buddy (and the Belgian from the van) at your side, you find a small restaurant across from the train station which proves to, not only make the best pad Thai in Thailand, but house a purring feline that brings perfect satisfaction to a long day of travelling.

Oh wait, there’s still an 8-hour train ride ahead of you. Don’t get too comfortable with that cat.

The train ride is, well, unspectacular in a fabulously chilly, hard, uncompromising, plastic sort of way. Imagine a dentist’s chair, striped of all its cushioning. And the little knob, lever, electric button thingy that lets the chair recline, yeah, it’s not functioning like it used to. Thankfully, your trusty sidekick gave you the most Koreanesque hoody you could have ever imagined for Christmas and you are able to zip up your face and slip into a rather butt-numbing sleep. Did I mention the roaches? Don’t worry, I think you slept with your mouth closed.

Day 2:

You are awakened by artificial light and the abrasive sound of luggage on the move. Your left butt cheek is permanently bruised and your left temple is equally sore from trying to balance on your closed fist against the window pane. It’s like you’ve been holding some sort of wild yoga pose with no health benefits to offset your pain. I don’t think it is superfluous to repeat at this time that everyone around you is darn lucky that you are too excited to start throwing things. Plus, what is there to throw that isn’t valuable in some way? Even the tissues you stowed in your carryon have proved priceless in the land of pay-per-pee. You and your comrade slither off the train. Pastel shades highlight the horizon as dawn creeps onto the mainland. Yes, you have made it to the coast. Scraggly dogs play tag on the strip of beach, as lone fishermen slip into their boats and head out for a long day’s work. You are immediately taken by the charm and beauty of this place. Your body even seems to hurt less surrounded by all the tantalizing scenery.

You get in line for the catamaran that will at last bring you to your destination. As you look around, you suddenly (and therefore stupidly) realize that you’re surrounded by Westerners. You and your 007 exchange a look filled with aversion and self-pity. Okay, maybe for a few seconds. Then you remember that no one will buy your “I’m actually currently Korean” story. Even if you eat kimchi and pork knuckles three times a day for the next seventeen years, no one will believe you have a Korean bone in your body. So, you might as well face the fact that you are undeniably one of those fifty white people on this boat and that you all wanna be certified scuba divers up to 100 feet.  Don’t hate.

The catamaran has only one entertaining feature: it plays the raunchiest music videos you’ve ever witnessed, which, considering your lack of “pop culture” probably isn’t saying much. Still, you glance around, mercilessly judging anyone who looks slightly enthralled. You conclude that it is mostly 50-year-old men who you were suspicious of from the beginning. You’re not ageist, just keepin’ it real. After almost two hours, the catty finally anchors and you step onto the island of Koh Tao. The salty smell of marine life surrounds you as you lug your suitcase off the quay and into the back of a dusty pickup truck. This is your taxi to your bungalow, and no, it’s not the last form of transportation that you will see on this trip. Just wait, next is a scooter and it’s what we like to call B.A. (Mom, that means badass).

 The bungalow proves to be a mild case of a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Pretty enough on the outside, a mental obstacle course on the inside. If you hadn’t been raised on a farm and enjoyed squishing steamy cow shit between your toes as a child, you would not have coped as suavely as you do. The sheets have the legacy of all those who came before (I hate puns when my writing’s trying desperately to be G-rated...). Mosquito larvae wiggling around in the toilet? You try to flush the toilet. Doesn’t flush? You manually fill the bowl with water to get it to flush. That doesn’t work? You pee on the poor suckers, let it sit for a blazing hot afternoon, and hope they fail the urine test. They don’t? Well, you don’t really mind that much anyway. You actually develop a habit of letting the pee simmer in the bowl every day in hopes of deterring new mosquito mamas from using your throne as a maternity ward. Considering neither you nor your handsome hunk shower for the following 6 days, you don’t care that the bathroom is now a science lab. In case you’re currently a little revolted, remember that salt water is a natural cleaning agent. Scuba diving purifies all.

You spend the rest of the afternoon familiarizing yourself with your new hood. You go have a chat with the Big Blue diving instructors- their general aura of hakuna matata makes the idea of breathing underwater a little less stressful. You continue by investigating the local shops and restaurants. Your fear of starving on an island surrounded by living seafood turns out to be unwarranted and you savour each sip of your freshly squeezed fruit juice before heading to the Internet café. It may seem a little ridiculous to be on a tropical vacation and hit up the computer room (as if you’re bored to tears or unbearably sunburned), but it is Christmas Eve back home and a sister’s promise must be kept: call if you can. The rest of the day slides out of sight as you explore along the narrow beach. Crabs wiggle away under the sand in a fine cloud of dust. The aquamarine water gives way to a deeper hue as daylight recedes. A gorgeous sunset perfectly complements your plateful of steaming noodles. All that’s missing is a little bit of Marley playing in the background. But, that day will come.

Day 3:

Grunt. Groan.  An extended sound reminiscent of stubborn flatulence. Another grunt. No, the mosquito larvae didn’t transform into pubescent boys during the night. It’s the water pump... for the entire bungalow system at Big Blue Diving. And yes, it is situated, in all its makeshift complexity, underneath your window. Your pane-less window. The pump’s various tunes have thus so rudely invaded your slumber. Not only are you now awake, but you are suddenly aware of an intense throbbing in your lower back. As you move, your head also explodes into pain. You try closing your eyes, but you hallucinate that you’re falling... as if a massive weight is willing your body through the bed. Your skin is rigid with goosebumps, letting you know a fever has set in. Then you recall that this has happened before. It was a night from Dante’s Inferno, and the date and place shall never be forgotten: May 18^th, 2007 in St-Marc, Haiti. Your heart begins to quiver in your chest as you acknowledge the fact that scuba diving and Untreated Tropical Weirdnesses (that’s what you’ve since baptized it) are not exactly compatible.

Despite feeling chilled and sickly, you decide to climb your way out of the cavern that disguises as a mattress and begin to prepare for the day: Bathing suit. Check.  Sunscreen. Check. Water. Check. Sunglasses. Check. Book. Check. Coarse, stiff, stained, thin, generally useless bathroom towel that will have to do. Check. Stud muffin of a boyfriend. Check.

Sticky with sunscreen, you doze off into a delightfully sunlit snooze on the beach. Hey, maybe you can just bake the pain away. Five hours later, you know that your plan has been unsuccessful. Even with your daily dose of vitamin D and a scrumptious meal in your belly, your body is still yelling at you: “Hey! Doctor. STAT. Remember Haiti? Yeah? Cool, thanks.”

So you head off to the Big Blue Diving hut where you shiver and hunch like a hoodlum, explaining your symptoms: “Uhhh... I woke up with this pain... in my back... severe pain. My head is... ummm... exploding? I have this weird veiny stuff down my leg... Oh, since noon... And I’m freezing...” One of the diving instructors gives you directions to the local clinic. Your teeth clickety-clack all the way there.

Doctor: “It could be Dengue fever, or a kidney infection, or a respiratory infection.”

Eenie, meenie, minie, mo...

The doctor gives you a bunch of pills and tells you to come back in the morning. You are also told you can no longer go scuba diving, at which point you put on your sunglasses and let your tears spill over. Dinner better be damn good.

Day 4:

Monday morning begins with you trying to hack up your left kidney. The phlegmy cough confirms the doctor’s suspicions of a respiratory infection and he doles out another two baggies of medication (both Korea and Thailand seem to believe that healing comes in the variety and quantity of weird little ecstasy-esque pills you consume... the more, the better). Now, despite your uncanny ability to disregard a doctor’s orders, you are quite a diligent pill-popper for at least 24-hours. Hey, your chance at scuba diving depends on it.

With no scuba lessons in the forecast, the day is dedicated to exploring the island via scooter. First stop: The Lookout. The Lookout turns out to be part of a resort that is well beyond your budget, but you and your man saunter in like you own the place (ooze confidence when in distress). The sauntering is worth it. Enormous, weather-worn rocks jut out of the tumultuous waters. The roaring waves have petrified every crab out of the sea and they all cling urgently to the algaed rocks. Unlike the poor crustaceans below you, you decide to venture down near the turbulence, you know, just to check out the situation. After taking enough pictures to rival a Bond girl photo shoot, you drive off to your next destination: over the hill.

You never quite make it over the hill on scooter, but you do reach the crest. You arrive on the east side of the island by foot (but not before encountering runaway roosters, miniature temples on pedestals- complete with tiny ladders, and plenty of breathtaking flora). Even with overcast skies, the scenery is striking with its fierce waves and remarkably defiant buoys in the distance. You settle down for some lunch in a charming restaurant right on the water. You’re close enough to feel the ocean's spray delicately freckle your arms and face. Life is good.

After lunch, you come to a literal fork in the road. You chose to undertake the more challenging route, and well, you end up hiking part of it while your handsome stud lurches the scooter down slippery slopes. Is it worth it? Of course. Sitting high up on a sun-baked rock, the island enfolds around you: rumbling clouds, lush jungle, endless sea, tiny huts dotting the shoreline... A sociable cat also climbs up onto the rock, rubbing gently against you and prancing lightly on your belly when your petting wavers.  A scrawny puppy joins the troupe, his wet nose quivering with a combination of curiosity and fright. Doctor Doolittle Goes to Thailand.

Wait, aren’t you supposed to be feeling sick? It’s either the cat or the meds. You're betting on the cat.

Day 5:

Your days of compliance with doctor recommendations are over. You did not come all the way to Koh Tao to watch your boyfriend get a scuba diving license while you pound back pills and watch idiots get sunburned to a peeled, polka-dotted perfection. You will be scuba diving. Today.

 Here is the summary of what you learn in the first few hours of scuba diving, all of which takes place in a pool: Rule #1: Always look cool. Rule #2: It’s a mask, not goggles. Rule #3: They are fins, not flippers. Rule #4: Breathe. Always. Puke, sneeze, cry, bleed, cough. Just don’t stop breathing. Pulmonary embolisms are not your friend. Now, it may seem completely evident that one must continue inhaling and exhaling underwater, but your body is not convinced. After years of plugged-nose cannon-balling, your brain is fighting with you: “WAIT. Water means hold your breath. Hold your breath. Hold it! You’ll die... Wait, you’re dying! Get out of the water. GET OUT!” And so you resurface, shaking with embarrassment and general distress. Your sympathetic scuba instructor tells you it’s perfectly normal and that many people start panicking because their minds tell them their drowning. Awesome.

Thanks to 24 years of indoctrination via movies/scholarly documentaries, your instructor’s British accent convinces you that you’re not going to drown in the training pool. In and out. In and out. Just breathe. Come on, you’re a champ. Go pretend you’re a fish again.

You survive the day and manage to adopt a relatively normal breathing pattern, though your regulator is still clenched in a death grip between your teeth. You also complete the necessary scuba skills the instructor teaches you: removing and replacing your mask with your eyes closed, pretending to lose your regulator and finding it again, having your buddy fake an empty tank so you have to rescue him. Eventually everyone’s lips are a cool shade of purple and you get to peel out of your wetsuit. Your first day of scuba diving is over, and now that your vocal frustration (euphemism) has reduced itself to a mild mumbling, you can appreciate what you’ve accomplished.

The day ends with you stretched out on a weathered wooden deck, your empty plate and full stomach the only reminders of the good grub you just scarfed down. You casually eavesdrop on a Swiss couple... You even contemplate introducing yourself (as if to warn them that you’re listening), but decide instead to strike up conversation with a friendly feline who curls into your lap. Bob Marley’s husky voice wraps itself around you and the reggae rhythm becomes your heartbeat: "Let them all pass all their dirty remarks. There is one question I'd really like to ask: Is there a place for the hopeless sinner who has hurt all mankind just to save his own? Believe me: One love, one heart, let's get together and feel alright!" 

Day 6:

The rehearsal is over: it’s show time. You wake up early enough to gulp down a cup of tea before being herded onto a boat at 8am for your first-ever open water dive. Here is where you discover a previously unknown, frankly exasperating, aspect of your physiology: you are prone to sea sickness. You are left with one question: How is this possible? You’ve been on big ships, little ships, ferries. You’ve canoed and kayaked... even gone white-water rafting through the rainforest. You’ve had dinner on a boat, slept on a boat, survived the catamaran ride to get to this island. And yet here you are, struggling to hold down your Earl Grey. You huddle in a ball with your eyes tightly closed. Nothing like choppy waves to throw your stomach into reverse. Finally an instructor locates you and hands you, yes, yet another pill. Being somewhat sceptical of the efficacy of most medicine, you are pleasantly surprised when your nausea slips away and suddenly you find both your sea legs and your appetite. You take advantage by stuffing your face with stale chocolate sandwich cookies you discovered in the kitchen area.

With renewed anticipation, you slither into your damp wetsuit (as enjoyable as putting on wet underwear), heave on your tank, do a buddy check to make sure you won’t run out of air or accidently die from some sort of poison gas that may have made it into your tank), snap on your fins and mask, and are ready to jump in.

As promised, what awaits you underneath the waves is worth all the anxiety, frustration, and swallowed sea water. It’s unearthly, and yet it is most of our Earth. Plankton clouds the water, immense schools of fish scoot away from you as you make your way down the rope, colour drains away the farther down you go. At twelve metres you let go of the rope, find your buoyancy, and venture off. Clownfish flit back and forth between the gelatinous tentacles of sea anemones. Parrotfish nibble at your ankles, while angelfish glide by without regard. The variety and bounty of the sea astounds you... Everything is encrusted with life and you carefully adjust your buoyancy to avoid brushing against the stag’s horn coral surrounding you. Just a small piece breaking off is the destruction of a century’s worth of growth. Not a burden of guilt you want to carry around for the rest of your life.

Near the end of your dive, the instructor points out some wildlife whose camouflage makes them virtually invisible to the untrained eye. Scorpion fish dart in and out of their rocky grottos. Stingrays lay inconspicuously under a shadowy overhang. This is what it’s all about. Seeing the unbelievable wealth of the ocean and remembering why it is important to respect it and protect it.

After resurfacing, debriefing, and setting foot back on dry land, there are only two things on your mind: #1- “Now that was pretty awesome!” and #2- “I’m actually ravenous. Truly.” Accompanied by your sweetheart, you go to a movie night being held at a local restaurant (nothing like watching the Titanic sink and Jack die), enjoy a tasty dinner, and then recline on the beach to let Thai teenagers blow your mind with their flame throwing tricks. You know you’ve overstayed when drunk foreigners decide to join in the fire games... time for bed.

Day 7:

You wake up at dawn with this knowledge: It’s your last day on Koh Tao. No more beachside meals, no more 12$ massages (which, unbelievably, haven’t been mentioned until now), no more sea breeze, and no more mosquito larvae swimming in your toilet. You munch contemplatively on your breakfast, waiting for 6:30am to roll around when a boat will take you out for your last two dives. The first dive is much like yesterday’s, except you make it down to eighteen metres and are given more liberty to swim around with only your scuba buddy. Adjusting your buoyancy already proves easier and your anxiety about bumping into coral subsides enough for you to risk drifting carefully over it at a proximity of six inches or so.

The last dive is going to be filmed, so it must be completed in utmost style. That stylin’ starts with the entry: a 007 front flip. Throughout the dive, you work the camera. Do a few swirls, twirls, fist fight with your buddy, build a human pyramid, pull off yoga poses... You complete all the necessary skills tests and are finally handed a wallet-sized piece of plastic with your name and mug shot on it. You are now officially a pseudo-fish.

Once your dive is over, you have a couple hours to say goodbye to the island. It starts at your bungalow, where you shake the sand out of your dirty clothes, shove them into your luggage, and give a ciao-for-now love pat to the frumpy mattress. You will be back. Next, you pay your dues at the dive shop, where you become aware of your fiscally dire situation. Finally, you curl up on a couch at the Big Blue Diving restaurant and eat your last delectable meal. At 6:00pm, the rest of your dive team shows up and you watch the diving video that was shot early in the day. When it is finished, you all cheer like a bunch of yahoos who just won a rugby match, and you and your lover hurry off to catch the last night boat leaving the island. With a copy of the video in hand, of course.

The night boat adventure is unfortunate in only one way: Here you are on a boat full of strangers, lying on a floor cramped with miniature gym mats, and you... you fall asleep. You fall asleep when it could have been one of the most intriguing people-watching episodes of your life. Fail. End of the night boat adventure.

Day 8:

Waking up to the sound of a boat’s engine while lying on a sweaty leather mattress next to people you’ve never met is probably the closest you will ever be to feeling like a third class ticket on the Titanic. After the boat has anchored (not so Titanic-like), you march off the deck with your Samsonite in hand and look for the “airport shuttle”. There is no shuttle. In fact, no shuttle ever presents itself. What there is, however, is a man with a beat up pickup truck. And the man with the truck wants you to hop into the back and trust him that you will eventually arrive at Surat Thani International Airport. It being 5:30am and you having great faith in humankind, the man’s wish is granted. He Arnold Schwarzenegger’s your suitcase onto the top of his truck, ties it down, and off you go. Does he bring you to the airport? Well, not exactly. More like a dépanneur with a breakfast menu. However, in due course a bus does arrive and you are whisked off to make your morning flight to Bangkok.

One eventless flight and overpriced Tuk-Tuk ride later you arrive at your hotel and throw yourself across the bed. It’s New Year’s Eve! You are in Bangkok! Yet you and your man are both aware of your exhaustion after three days of scuba diving, late nights on the beach, and less than estimable sleeping conditions. Still, you peel yourselves off the bed, dress up in the only fancy clothing you hauled along on this trip, and head out in search of a good night. With your arms linked and a confident bounce in your step, you stumble upon a pleasant restaurant right on your street. The place oozes good atmosphere, with its miniature waterfall, pond swarming with fish, and enormous monk statues, kneeling here and praying there. You spend the entire dinner debating together: Must you return to work or could you just fake a misfortunate event and stay? How will you support yourselves, monetarily speaking? Would returning to Korea be more bearable if the temperature was not a glacial -17°C? Why doesn’t Maple Bear have a franchise in Thailand? With a swig, you both finish your drinks, stare into each other’s eyes... and then he says it: “I have a headache. I just need a quick nap. How about we... go back to the hotel, take a nap, and then get up around 10:00pm and go out?” Part of you knows exactly what is about to happen, but you don’t fight it. You both collapse on the bed and New Year’s in Bangkok is rung in without you. At around 2:00am your sidekick wakes up for a minute, whispers “Happy New Year...”, and then you both float back into your dreams.

You wake up in the morning, still spread across the bed, your bra’s underwire trying to claw its way through your ribcage. Your beaded anklet has left purple indents on your right ankle and your eyes loathe the fact that you neglected to remove your contacts. All of a sudden you are aware of the situation. You missed New Year’s. One night in Bangkok and the world’s your oyster and... you fell asleep. Unreal. Unreal. It’s unreal how good a nap can make you feel! You quickly draw up a blueprint of your final day in Thailand and step out into the sunshine.

The day turns out to be perfectly balmy. You temple hop the entire day, exploring vibrant courtyards, examining the detailed architecture and unbelievable statues, and befriending the plethora of “temple cats” you spot along the way. You are awed by so many sights and sounds: the reverence Thai people have for their king, the absurd amount of pollution that pervades the city, the secret nooks of wildlife that thrive despite it all, the contrast of lifestyle between the haves and havenots... things you have seen before, but which never fail to astound you. You are, once again, obliged to face the reality of your existence. That it is different from those you see around you. That you are blessed and that certain responsibility stems from this truth.

Your extensive walk ends through a sidewalk brimming with every bloom and blossom imaginable. Flower stalls envelop you on either side in a picturesque cascade of colour, but there is something missing. Aromas. Sweet smells of nectar and perfume! The flowers have obviously been GMOed to scentlessness and this carves a furrow in your brow. Fortunately, life is a fine balance, which means for every negative aspect, one is able to find something equally positive. That evening, before catching a taxi to the airport, you are stopped in your tracks by a voice. The voice is absolutely enchanting. Young, yet wise, sweet, yet powerful. You locate its source and there she is, that “equally positive something” personified. What enraptures you the most is her choice of songs... songs you haven’t heard in ages. Songs that connect you to specific moments and ideas. Songs you never thought a Thai girl across the world would embrace and sing with such passion and conviction.

It is all over. You are at the airport. The next thing you know you are on a flight back to Korea, where your daily life will greet you and make the sundrenched days of Koh Tao seem like a distant memory. And that’s okay, because right now, Korea is where you need to be. You are always where you need to be.